A few years ago, I had been up a ladder when a friend called to tell me he was searching for one of our friends by the river who had been reported missing. I sat on the ladder in the dark roofspace in shock, haunted, ringing round other friends and asking them to pray.
 
Some time after that, on another occasion, my friend called me late one evening. ‘There’s something I need to tell you’. We’d spent so much time over the years thinking, talking, praying. But he’d never told me about this. Not this.
 
A separate incident, another phone call, this time beginning with ‘are you sitting down?’ This news of a man in meltdown was perhaps the most shocking yet – no warning signs, and huge consequences.
 
‘Hello, can you talk?’ Until quite recently he’d been at football most weeks. His passion and play made us all laugh. But what his friend told me took all of that away.
 
Yet another situation just a couple of months ago, this time a WhatsApp message: ‘Hi guys, just so you know this came across my Facebook feed today’. The news article was devastating; everyone was in shock. All this time he had been amongst us, saying nothing.
 
 
Some have hit harder than others, but all of them have left scars. In some cases, I will never forget the place I was, the sickness in the pit of my stomach, or the way my heart and limbs trembled as I heard the news for the first time. In all cases, the same questions arose in my mind, and still do.
 
Should I have said something?
 
Could I have done more?
 
Why didn’t he tell me?
 
How can we men get better at helping each other?
 
Some men at the centre of these real stories were my friends. Some of them were my acquaintances. They, their families and in some cases their victims will suffer the consequences of their actions forever. All these men walk roads of rehabilitation, of restoration, and in some cases repentance. All of them are at different points on their journey. And, significantly, because the reality of their struggles are now out in the open, I am able to more freely walk that road with them, albeit at varying degrees of distance.
 
 
In his wonderful book ‘Cry Like a Man’, author Jason Wilson debunks the myth that ‘real men don’t cry’. In the book’s prologue, Wilson states the following:
 
‘We have been deceived into suppressing our emotions to impress others; there's simply no room for weakness. If we are struck in our hearts, our health, or our wallets, there's no room for weakness. When we vent, we’re perceived as complainers. When we hurt, we’re wimps. When we're tired, we're being lazy. When we fight, we’re rebels. When we’re discouraged, we’re depressed. When we hesitate, we're double minded, and when we cry, we're soft. With all these predetermined judgments about us, it's no wonder why so many of us “fake it to make it”…suppressed feelings of anger and anxiety in men have reached epidemic levels, changing the landscape of society within families, schools, cities, and ultimately within prisons. And if it's not addressed now, it's simply going to kill us.’
 
As parents, carers, adopters and those seeking to be strong for the children in our lives, we must get serious about this epidemic, about men’s mental health, and about pro-actively being both strong and weak with one another as we walk the road in community. It’s the reason the Bible observes that ‘a man who isolates himself seeks his own desire; he rages against all wise judgment.’ (Proverbs 18v1). Learning to humbly receive and strengthen those who are struggling is vital, and at the same time we must become comfortable in what I call ‘daring to disclose’ before it is too late.
 
I have never forgotten the day when, as a much younger man in my university days, a now long-time brother in Christ and member of my ‘prayer square’ confessed a secret of his heart to the group, and asked us for prayer. Two things happened in that moment. He demonstrated his freedom from emotional incarceration.  And he inspired us to be more like him. His secret was no secret to God; he knew he was already forgiven, but was seeking men who could help to hold him accountable, and hold him up in prayer. And ever since that day I have determined to follow his and Christ’s lead.
 
It was Christ the God-man who hung for me and for you in naked shame, arms open, in full view of a mocking world, seemingly so weak yet eternally so strong. He knew then what He would later teach the apostle Paul: that His grace is sufficient for all mankind, for His ‘strength is made perfect in weakness’; because of that Paul was able to say ‘most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.’ (2 Corinthians 12v9)
 
Reach out this Movember to a man or men in your life. Dare to disclose. Find freedom, forgiveness, and faith in that moment. Be someone that other men can disclose to. And always, always remember.
 
Real men cry!

What can family holidays look like when you're a foster carer? Here one of our wonderful Cornerstone & Foundations Matter trustees takes a few minutes to share their humorous and inspirational insights from a recent trip...

​Way back in 1972, I can’t believe it’s half a century ago, the rock band “Alice Cooper” had a huge chart hit with the song, “School’s out.” For me personally, school was definitely out as I started work in August of that year as a trainee Chartered Surveyor. I still hear the song regularly, usually and not surprisingly at the beginning of the summer holidays and this present year was no exception. For children, it’s annual relax and leisure time and, for parents and carers, it’s more of “are we nearly there yet?” as the days to the schools returning are slowly and sometimes almost painfully counted down. As I write, school in Scotland is once again “out for summer” in the words of Alice Cooper’s song and, for my wife and myself, six or seven weeks of entertaining children loom ahead.
 
It’s not that my wife and myself are new to this game, as we have together successfully negotiated around twenty summer jollies with our own four kids. However, happily surviving the July and August holidays in Scotland is the exception that disproves the rule: it doesn’t really get easier with age and experience.
 
This year’s holiday away from home repeated a pattern of many years with a week away accompanied by our two daughters and three of our grand-children. Our foster child, J, my wife and myself, completed the Happy Campers, although hardly camping as we were all in a lodge together on a very nice rural site to the north of the town and not actually under canvass.
 
Our day of departure was a Monday in July but preparations to include the kitchen sink in the passenger manifesto started a week before. As the luggage gathered in our living room at home for only three of us (my wife, myself and J), I started with good reason to wonder if this might be a Guinness Book of Records attempt on loading up a Mini. Time would tell. I was up early on departure day, a Monday morning, with my wife suggesting an estimated departure time of 1pm. This was looking moderately achievable until the garage phoned to say that the long-awaited part for my wife’s car had arrived and, if we left the vehicle (affectionally called Mint, explanation later) over our holidays, it would be fixed by our return. In one sense this was really helpful but, in reality, I lost another couple of hours before the envisaged leaving time deadline. With the Polo (Polo Mint, get it) safely tucked up in the local garage, I was back at home over an hour behind schedule with packing the Mini starting in earnest. Sod’s Law then conspired to make an appearance in the shape of an un-announced visit from a friend and another hour goes west. Around 3pm, two hours late, I got the first look at Yo-Yo, our Mini; not a cubic inch was spare in the cabin and boot which was packed to the gunnels with everything necessary for a six-month expedition to Antarctica, never-mind just a week in Cumbria. I posed the obvious question to Alison that my dog had already clocked judging from his concerned expression, “Where will Aengus sit? (the said dog, a less than sensible Border Terrier). And so it was that Aengus assumed a new skill as a canine contortionist as he was allocated a “seat” in the car on top of a pile of bedding within licking distance of the roof and with the bonus of a cooling draught from the top of the rear door.  With the house checked and locked up for the week, we left our street around three hours late and headed towards the motorway. It’s not a long journey at around two hours thirty minutes but anyone who knows the M74 will realise that some of the hills might be quite a challenge for a heavily laden small car. Yo-Yo struggled up the inclines but sped down the other sides powered solely by weight and gravity like a ballistic missile. Before long, the inevitable question started from J, “Are we nearly there yet?” and the dog started howling. J was obviously given a polite reply and Aengus was left to wait on the first comfort break at Annandale Water Services. Aengus loves this particular service stop. He got to raise the metaphorical roof barking at the ducks as usual and the bonus was that he was actually rammed under an actual roof in the process. Nothing else eventful happened, excepting the mouth-watering fuel prices at Gretna Services, and we wheeled eventually into our lodge just after 7pm only about four hours behind schedule. Our daughters were both in residence by this time, along with the grand-children and were very much in holiday mode. I answered my younger daughter’s question, “Where have you been?” by throwing a frisbee at her from close range. I was really surprised at how quickly a thirty-five year old hair dresser could move when faced with a fast moving projectile heading towards her. I guess this type of thing could be a normal customer reaction to a poor cut and she could be well experienced in diversionary moves at speed to avoid fast moving straighteners and the like directed at her from in front of a salon mirror.
 
What of the holiday you say? “Where to start,” I reply. For those of us who are possibly more mature with empty nests, I should remind you that kids love being on holiday and know how to enjoy themselves, especially if there are a few of them around. The responsibility of any adult sharing the experience is to facilitate this enjoyment by arranging trips and experiences but, perhaps most importantly, by supplying transport and finance. What does the adult receive in return? Only happy exhaustion and the hope of an early bed a 9 O’ Clock if possible. This holiday saw us visit an aquarium, a Beatrix Potter museum, a country park, play parks, a lake, a climbing wall, a beach, a chocolate factory, a train, putting greens, boating ponds and eating houses. Adults can do all this by themselves of course but, accompanied by children, the enjoyment factor soars to levels beyond imagination. There were too many individual experiences to relay but one especially is worth a mention. On the final day of the holiday, J, myself and my wife were on the beach by ourselves. It was a hot day and really pleasant. J wanted to make a sand castle and we set about building one with a moat, towers, ramparts and a flag. The finished castle wasn’t half bad, even if it was the first castle that I had a hand in constructing in thirty years when our own children were young. Several days later, J said it was the highlight of her holiday. Do you know something? It was the highlight of mine as well. The foster child had indeed made my holiday as well; they take but they give even more!!
 
So fostering is not straightforward; these kids have issues to some extent or another, and they take patience, energy, understanding and effort from you to some degree, leaving you generally at the end of the day in a pleasant state of exhaustion but, and it’s a huge “but,” foster kids don’t just take; they give you far more back in abundance.  Be very prepared to be proud beyond measure at positive changes and personal achievements in their lives. And remember, you are acknowledging God’s request to look after His orphans. These are not bad rewards come to think of it. What’s stopping you?
 
A few fostering myths debunked then to help you along the way :
 
Firstly, “I can’t do this!” Well, nearly fourteen years ago, that’s exactly what my wife and myself thought. However, with the help of training, our supervising social worker and our own child rearing experiences, my wife and myself found out what everyone finds out who goes down the fostering path, we can do this. Also, our church fellowship, especially the young families, grew into this work as we did and are always on hand to offer a day off here and there to allows us a quick battery recharge.
 
Secondly, “I couldn’t give a child back.” Actually, you’re not alone here. This is by far the most popular reason given to me for not wanting to foster. Well, you can indeed hand children back when the inevitable time comes. You leave each and every-one secure in the knowledge that they go blessed by their time with you and that God has assuredly entered a life that otherwise might have been left barren.
 
Thirdly, “I couldn’t deal with behavioural issues.” Where behaviour lapses, it’s only a cry one way or the other for help. You will have in your corner age, experience, a supervising worker, training, fellow carers as buddies, friends and, importantly, prayer and your faith. There is absolutely nothing you cannot deal with.

We are just coming to the end of Foster Care Fortnight 2024. This couple of weeks is an important period in the fostering calendar for raising the profile of fostering and and highlighting how foster care transforms lives. And the need for new foster carers in the UK is a desperate situation. According to The Fostering Network via Ofsted, there are currently 100,437 children in care in the UK, which is 2,855 more children than in 2001. They say 6,500 new foster families are needed, but unfortunately there are currently 2,154 less foster carers than in 2001. These are sobering statistics!

However, this years theme of #FosteringMoments is a bit more encouraging and positive. #FosteringMoments celebrate the moments that define fostering journeys, big and small; those times that built confidence, made young people feel safe and created memories.

Here are some #Fostering Moments from one of our amazing foster carers:

 Another foster carer wrote, "It is lovely to see how children can change whilst in your care in so many ways. Physically, there are real improvements in their complexion, skin and hair as their diet improves. Some will put on a healthy weight where they have not had enough food before. They stop eating like every meal is their last, and learn to relax around eating meals together. They start looking up, less hunched showing more self-confidence when interacting with peers and adults. The greatest complement to us as carers is when the children are unrecognisable because they are visibly different, but most commonly because behaviours have changed. Because the children feel safe, in a known environment, they can be calm. They will also teach you new things- new songs, new places to visit and how to have relationships with their family. This brings healing to the whole family unit."

Some more #fosteringmoments our Foster Carers shared with us over the past couple of weeks are...

I'll finish with some encouraging words from another Cornerstone foster family as they reflect on their journey, which I think sum up this whole topic perfectly; "Foster Care is important to us as it's Gods heart for us to take care of His children in their hour of need. It is a blessing when we see them overcome pain and receive healing in ways many of us can't relate to but He can. Fostering is a journey. A journey that isn't for any particular moment or any particular day but one that is nurtured over time until one day you look back and smile at what God has done." :-)

  It shows the great love and care and thought that foster carers put into preparing their hearts and their homes for the children they care for.
​As a community with foster carers amongst us, we can participate and support the preparation process. Indeed, it is our way of answering God’s call to care for vulnerable children. We may not all be in a space to foster, but we can certainly support those who do. Here are a couple of ways we can help in the preparation process:

1. Donating toys, cribs, and other practical things that a child and fostering family may need. This sort of help can come in all sorts of ways. As a church you can keep some sort of “community closet” that has some of the things that foster carers may need. Alternatively, you can share new needs in a newsletter, so that people are alerted on the needs that may arise.
2. Helping prepare the physical space. A new fostering family may need to prepare the room before welcoming a child. This could mean repainting, rearranging furniture or sorting clothes. If you’ve ever had to put together flat-pack furniture you know that an extra hand is definitely appreciated 😊
3. Making the church a welcome space for the children. It is important to ensure that we are ready to receive children who come with their foster carers to church. It can be overwhelming to be received by many enthusiastic adults, so balance needs to be sought to ensure the children feel welcome but not singled out. For more information on how to make the church a welcome space, check out our video.
4. Praying for the family and the child. The transition is a complicated one for everyone involved. The child might be anxious, expectant, angry, upset, or hopeful about coming to a new home. Prayer is a powerful way of supporting the family and child through this transition. You can pray that God to prepare the carers’ hearts and will equip them with all they need to care for the child. You can pray for peace and comfort for the child.

There are many more ways you can support a carer as they prepare to take in a child. The best way to know what to do is to simply ask. The very act of showing you care and want to help will be very meaningful to them. Support is a protective factor in fostering and can help increase the fostering experience for both children and carers. Let’s all do what we can to ensure that children in care have the very best experience while in care. 

When it comes to children, the world seems to have an obsession with their future. From a young age we ask them what they want to be when they grow up and we focus our energies on training them to be the type of adult we want them to be. This preoccupation with the future isn’t entirely wrong. It stems from an understanding that the present shapes the future. However, it can detract from appreciating the present. And in some cases, it can even be a hinderance to fostering.
“I could never foster because I wouldn’t be able to let the children go.” This is a common feeling expressed by people when asked about fostering. It’s understandable that one would worry about getting attached to a child and struggle with them transitioning on to another home. This sentiment, however, is not one that a Christian should hold. Firstly, this sentiment fails to recognise just how little control we do have in life. We are not guaranteed tomorrow, even with our own biological children. As Christians, we recognise God’s sovereignty in every situation even with people coming in and out of our lives. Secondly, as Christians, we recognise that God does not hold us accountable for outcomes in people’s lives. He only ever holds us accountable for our actions. In the bible, Paul uses the analogy of sowing to help us understand this. “So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow. The man who plants and the man who waters have one purpose, and each will be rewarded according to his own labour.” (1 Corinthians 3:6-8).
How then does this affect how a Christian approach fostering? Well, it means that we understand that children who come into our homes and lives through fostering belong to God. It is God who formed them in their mothers’ wombs (Jeremiah 1:5), and it is God who will carry them and sustain them to their old age and grey hairs (Isaiah 46:4). Our role as foster carers, is to align ourselves with God’s will and to love and care for them as long as we can. In some cases, such as emergency fostering, this might be only a couple of days. And in some cases, it might be for a lifetime. The reality of fostering is that it has a temporal nature to it. Even in long term fostering, permanence is not guaranteed. It can be difficult to hold a long-term love for a child in a seemingly short-term situation. However, God has not called us to do things that He is unable to equip us for. By relying on God’s never-ending love, we can pour out our love on children we foster. Every day we can sow seeds and entrust their future to God, knowing that with Him no experience is ever wasted. Whether we see it or not, our work will bear some fruit.  
This is fostering; showing up for today, giving our all today, and trusting that tomorrow God will give us all we need to show up for tomorrow. This is fostering; being faithful today while holding on to hope that God will use what we did to shape their tomorrow. Yes, fostering changes children’s futures. But that change happens in a series of todays. Today we do all we can to be there for a child whose past experiences influences how they view the world and respond to daily situations. We understand that in the past their daily experiences were difficult, so healing will happen one daily experience at a time. By God’s grace and strength, we can show up with consistency, empathy, and compassion. It isn’t easy, and sometimes there are tears, and pain and arguments, and sorrow. But when we show up consistently, joy and love start to take root. The good moments may be few and far between in the beginning, but slowly, they start to add up. The smiles start to come more often and the laughter flows a bit more freely. Eventually the good moments add up into good days and slowly the good days start to outweigh the bad days. We just need to take it one day at a time. 

​We get it. It's awkward and uncomfortable to think about money and care. The instinct is to want to place deeper protections for children who have already experienced adversity, so when we think of people profiting off of it, it sounds wrong. The truth is that we cannot definitively say that everyone who fosters is in it for the right reasons. What we can say is that our Foster Carers are motivated by genuine love for children, empathy and a deep sense of God's call to foster. It is appropriate that those who do the incredible work of fostering are compensated in order to facilitate this. But finance is not the only way to support carers. We give our carers full access to professional support 24/7. We pray with and for them as staff, and we have fun outings such as the Cornerstone holiday which sees our families gathering to have fun.

If you're new to fostering, don't worry. We're here to guide you and give you a brief introduction by answering four key questions. If you have more questions, you can contact our team or keep reading through our blog and website for more information.
 
1. Why foster?
Because fostering a necessary, successful, and transformative way to care for children who need it. In England there are over 57,000 children currently in foster care being cared for by over 45,000 foster carers. This number of carers is not sufficient to meet the need and every day the need increases as more children come into care.
 
2. Why do children need foster care?
Children need foster care for various reasons depending on the type of fostering. Short term and emergency fostering is a type of fostering that allows the local authorities to accurately assess a child's home environment to determine if it is safe for the child and able to meet the child's needs. Long term fostering is sometimes the best solution for a child whom local authorities (and the court) have assessed as needing to be homed away from their natural family because their home environment is unsafe or unsuitable for meeting the child's needs.
 
3. Why can't the children stay with their natural or biological families?
There are various reasons why local authorities decide to place children in care. These include various forms and levels of neglect and/or abuse, family breakdown or parental or child illness or disability. Local authorities try to ensure that where possible, families remain together. This can involve family strengthening interventions or requiring that changes be made in the home environment to ensure that it is safe and suitable for the children. Short term foster care allows changes to be made for family reunification. However, in some cases, this cannot happen. A look at news headlines will reveal that there are homes that are completely unsafe for children. Neglect and abuse have significant effects on children's development, quality of life and health, and sometimes can lead to death. Any suspicion of neglect and abuse is thoroughly investigated and if confirmed, it might necessitate the separation of the child from that environment.
 
4. If these children have been through so much, does fostering even make a difference?
Foster care is not the only form of care for children in need of care and protection. However, for 70% of children in care, it is the most suitable form of care. It can have a profound effect on the negative outcomes related to early childhood adversity. Foster care can help children achieve positive outcomes in life.
 
You can read more about fostering in the Review on Foster Care in England. Below are a few more myths about fostering that we've found.

There's that saying that goes, "those who can't, teach." Well, today I want to change it and say that , "Those who can't, support". That's the Christian way. Paul advocated for this when talking to the early church. He suggested that those who were unable to go for missions could still participate in the work of Christ by supporting missionaries. There is something glorious that happens when the church wraps around people who are actively participating in ministry. It's one of the ways that we show the church our true colors. Jesus himself told us that our love for one another would show the world that we are His disciples. As a recipient of the wonderful love of a community of Christ, I can attest to this. 
I remember feeling especially vulnerable and overwhelmed 9 months ago when we brought home our newborn son after 5 days of labour (that's a story for another day). There we were, in a flat in london, feeling isolated from our family in Kenya, when we got a text. It was a friend from church saying they were popping by to drop us a ready cooked meal. Over the next few weeks, different people from church dropped off home-cooked meals, giving us just the break and sustenance we needed during that crucial time of caring for a newborn. At the time we needed it the most, our church family had wrapped around us like real family and cared for us. How beautiful it is to experience God's love through his chosen people. 
Things like this have become part of church tradition. We, as a body of Christ seem to have learned how to care for newborn parents in this beautiful way. This makes me wonder if we can find another thoughtful and caring way to care for fostering and adoptive parents among us. How can we be there for these parents who have answered the call of God to open up the boundaries of their families to love children who have had difficult pasts? Research has shown that having a strong social support system is an essential factor for successful fostering. 
I'll say what you're probably thinking. Where would we even start? Do you have any ideas, Dorothy? Well, I dont' have any ideas but if there is a parent of a care-experienced child in your congregation, I'm sure they would be able to give you an answer if you asked. My hope and prayer is that we can be the strong and supportive community they need. That we can help our children be warm, welcoming and compassionate to the care-experienced children who join our communities through these families. How much more richer would the ministry of these families be if we (you and I) took steps to support and care for them? This month, as part of foster care fortnight, we will be focusing on a 'fostering community'. We will hear from carers and their families on the different ways we can be part of their fostering community. I invite you to come on this journey with us as we explore how we can wrap around foster carers and support them. Let us say to our carers, "Let us walk with you as you walk with them." ​